I have been away from this blog for three months. Last time I said I was going to write fictional stories to be better able to speak to the heart from the heart. However, many things happened during these past three months that make me want to spill them over as they were: real, tangible, useful. No fiction yet. Of course it is very helpful for me to let all this out, but it's you, reader, who make my day when I hear that you've read this blog.
I´ll be brief because I do not wish this to be a never-ending story. I'll say that I've experienced the last five weeks, after the surgery that reconnected my intestines or anastomosis, one of the darkest adventures of my life: painful, insidious, disconcerting and life-changing, In comparison, previous neurosurgery or chemotherapies pale. Well, I was in hell and now I am back. My secret, waiting it out (any long night has an end) while knowing that the story is beautiful. The next chapter may be beautiful, this chapter is scary but entertaining... And part of the next chapter is going to be the mother of all parties. I'll throw a party. That's my next chapter. I'll come back to this at the end.
But my biggest secret for coming back from such a hole is the power of being connected (which is compassion). Among dear family and friends, I'd like to mention here my CBCT family en español, at least that's what I call them, including the group who is doing the CBCT Teacher Certification Program and volunteers leading our online meditations. If you don't know what CBCT is, go here. Those sisters and brothers kept me on my chair, without having to run to the bathroom at all for hours at a time during classes and a retreat last month. That is the power of distraction, and the power of love (which is also compassion)!
And you can always turn everything around, you know, make lemonade with lemons and all that. Am I learning? Heck yes! So much pain and desperation put me in touch with rage I had not been totally aware of. Rage against myself. For over a year, after quitting my jobs, I felt that the enemy was the whole world. I felt that we do too many things wrong. Even people I care about can be deeply mistaken. If this world is not up to my standards, I am not up to any standards. This shows that I take things too far: as Teresa de Avila said, even virtue in excess is a sin. True, humanity can do better, but... can I coexist with this reality, while having fun? Can I fight for more freedom, justice and fraternity, while having fun? Seriously, when I fully embraced the truth about this crappy world being all we have, many weights from the past lifted off. I was able to see the divinity in this world, and the divinity in myself.
Without the anger, after I had felt that anger, I saw that leaving status, salary, influence, was exactly what I wanted to do. Why? Because I'm finally doing what is best for my health, for me! And the best news possible this year is that although I made very little money (because I worked less and slept more), on my first year as an independent professional... I actually made profit! I kept my costs at the bare minimum, true, renting my place in Atlanta while living with my sister in Spain, where I also enjoyed the amazing solidarity of this country's Health Care system for Spanish citizens. Thank you, Spain, I will never forget this. Connection is again the word, not only with my Spanish fellow-citizens, also with other dear friends who helped me save money, like the ones in the US who bought me one plane ticket to visit Atlanta.
On this trip to Atlanta I went to one of those ecstatic dance events outdoors and... I danced! I took my shirt off like in the old times, only now I had a pouch bag connected to an ileostomy ... But I'll have to leave the details for another time because I'm coming to the end of this post and I want to leave two lines to talk about "the party". The party, dear friends, is my lotus flower... the one that grows out of sh*t. Given the filth I have seen and felt in the past few weeks I cannot even image what beauty may emerge. I'm just going to fly as high as the sky allows. In Miami, in April, 2022. A party there and then. I'm connecting Friends with Friends with air-miles, and those who live in Miami. Everyone is invited. This is how I know that the story has a next good chapter. I create it. What is the next good chapter that you would like for your story?
Photo: Mehuín, Chile, Courtesy by my good friend, Hector Losada